my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
