This is not my ceiling
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
