Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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