She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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