We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
