If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
