why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
