The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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