In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
