video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
