Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Pants are for mortals
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
