I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
