mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
