he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
