I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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