I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
