She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just googled if crying burns calories
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
