wrigley field is MILF paradise
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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