Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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