I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
