Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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