He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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