dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
