Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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