I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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