I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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