If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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