the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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