I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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