She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
