my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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