I'm really into asian looking animals
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
