Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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