onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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