I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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