I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
