I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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