So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
