Are we in a gay sports bar?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
