I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
