I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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