Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
