I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
