I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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