paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
