Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
