I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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