I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
