We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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