my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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