i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
