no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Randomize
