she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
