He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
